the three degrees

Although I've been back from Chicago for over a week now, I still don't know how to blog about it. Everything is just so unbelievable... I carried a torch for this guy for so many years, and now, he's my official long-distance boyfriend. OMG!

So, I guess you could say that things were really good. We've been talking a ton since the trip, and there's still so much to process. I'm also freaking out cuz, holy crap, where will we live? Who will move and when? (oh and p.s. He now knows about this blog. Talk about a new and strange concept... having a guy you *lerve* read all the deepest thoughts you've been having over the past few years. I don't mind friends and complete strangers reading this site, but someone I want to share my entire future with? Hold me. I'm scared.)

Anyway, here's a video that perfectly sums up my frame of mind... "When Will I See You Again" by The Three Degrees. (also emailed to The Guy this morning. Because I'm cool like that.)

self-portrait

For some reason, nothing makes me feel uglier than trying to take a picture of myself... in this case, with my new phone (not an iPhone, I confess... but still, I'm in love with it. It's an LG Chocolate, which all the kids were liking last year, so once again, I'm completely behind the times.)

Anyway, the point of taking said picture was that Chicago Guy had sent me one this morning of him sitting at his desk. I cleverly thought I'd get out of sending him one back by replying that I hadn't showered yet (the life of a freelancer has its perks). But when I got back from lunch just now, he had emailed "what about a pic from your new cell phone?" And since the only recent pic he's seen of me was actually taken last August, it seemed only fair to try to send him a "real" one this time. Almost a "buyer beware" kinda thing.

So, after about 20 attempts, I guess I got a halfway decent shot... And I sent it to him immediately before I had time to think about it and back out. If I knew how to share that sorta thing on here, I totally would. Because I'm looking a little more tired than I think I should, given that my life has been pretty darn leisurely of late. (I think the appropriate lingo would be that I've been "between projects") Not to mention the other things I don't like about the pic...

So now, I'm sitting here, totally paranoid that he didn't reply yet. Did I send the message right? Is he having second thoughts? See how hard it is being a girl?!? Breathe in. Breathe out.

Meeting up after a decade is pretty dang nerve-wracking... even for the most confident person, I would guess. So I'm trying not to over-think the weekend, and when it comes down to it, I have nothing to lose. But again, I'm a girl. And who doesn't want the fairytale ending, at least a little bit?

the rendezvous

In news that I'm trying not to get too excited about, I'm going to meet up with the certain someone from my past next weekend. OMG. It's like one of those strange turns of events that might happen in a book or a movie... basically, we're going to meet up halfway, or on neutral ground, as it were. And since he lives a billion miles away, we've decided on Chicago. (Rather, I decided on Chicago because I went there in 2001 and remember all the fun options of stuff to do. But that's so not the point.)

Anyway, it's hard for me to picture what this is going to be like. For one thing, we've emailed some pretty serious stuff about what we want in a partner, where we want to be in 50 years... you know, really lighthearted kinds of things. And yet, we haven't even lived in the same city since 1999. Who knows if there will *really* be a spark? Anyone who's done online dating knows that nothing can take the place of the actual face-to-face meeting.

We've had some good phone calls, and he still makes me laugh. So that's a really positive sign. And I know that I have some people really pulling for this to work out, like my aunt and my dad. Then again, I don't want to put too much pressure on the whole thing. Just let it flow like it should. (yeah, whatever)

Sometimes, I'm just amazed that this is actually my life, and that this could really be happening to me. (I also seem to be saying that a lot this year) If you were to ask me, say 4 years ago, who's the one guy I most wanted to be with... and to have a family with... this would be him. Now, for him to be actually saying the same things about me, it kinda totally blows my mind. So yeah, no pressure.

No matter what, I'm just so grateful to even have this opportunity. I'm amazed and excited. And if nothing else, I should have a good story to tell.

signs

My first sign that it's summer: When Sophie starts splashing all the water out of her bowl. AKA, time to get the doggie pool out.

my grandpa

I'm not sure how to blog about this, so I'm gonna do a brief photo essay instead. Long story short, my Grandpa passed away last Friday... and my sis and I are making another last-minute trip to Colorado in a little bit. The funeral is tomorrow. The good part is that he was able to die peacefully at home, surrounded by his family. And he was perfectly coherent the day before, telling stories and visiting with neighbors (or so I've heard... I'll know more tomorrow).

Basically, I'm just so very happy to have known him. And in a lucky twist of fate (my Dad's hip surgery and recovery period) I was able to see him over the space of my 3 1/2 weeks in Colorado. He was 88 and leaves a very big family. He will be missed, especially by my Grandma. And personally, I'll miss his dry sense of humor most of all.

Here we are in January 1974... I was the first grandchild and ADORED all the attention. (My sis didn't enter the scene until a year later.)

For some reason, I just love this picture... the requisite toothpick hanging out of his mouth, while he stands in front of his truck. This is circa 1990, the summer I spent up there during college.



Here's my Grandpa kicking a soccer ball with my cousin Seth, who's now a Marine. I believe this is from that same summer of 1990.


And my all-time favorite shot of my Grandpa driving a tractor. It's from 1999, and I believe my sis took it. The smile is perfect. I hope to always remember him this way. Goodbye Grandpa, rest in peace.

home again

So I've been back in Austin for almost a week now, and talk about mixed emotions. My sis picked me up at the airport in her sweet new ride. She even surprised me by meeting me inside at the baggage claim, which totally made me feel all warm and fuzzy. There's just something about being met at the airport that feels so good. Then, she'd also bought me my favorite flowers in the world (daisies) and had them waiting for me on my kitchen table.

I felt a huge sense of relief to be back in my house, which was super clean and had a freshly mowed yard... thanks to my sis and my Mom. It was like I could finally breathe freely, and a huge weight had been lifted from my chest.

But then, a funny thing happened. I woke up the next morning, feeling totally off. You know how they say it takes 3 weeks to form a new habit? I was in Colorado just long enough to establish a whole new routine. Being back in my house felt completely weird. And it didn't help that my dogs were still away in SA. In stark contrast, my Dad had seemed to thrive in the wake of my departure. When I talked to him around noon, he excitedly told me about all the calls he'd made and the dinner he was gonna prepare for my aunt and uncle that night.

So since my bags were still packed, I decided then and there that I had to go to SA to get my dogs. My Mom kept giving me the run-around about how she couldn't meet up with me for a couple days. I told her that it didn't matter. I needed to get my "normal" life going again, and that meant getting my dogs back. Well, that's when she disappointedly told me that she had hoped to surprise me. The dogs were going to be groomed, and she'd waited to make the appointment because the weather was all rainy. Long story short, I still drove there, the dogs got all groomed and pretty, and I still got back in time for a fun weekend. (PlayStation karaoke. Totally unplanned. And seriously fun.)

Anyway, even with the dogs here, I'm still feeling off track. It's been glorious to have a stockpile of my fave shows on my DVR. I've been slow with work, so I'm sure that also has something to do with it. But in general, I'm having a hard time remembering how to be "me." I'm sure it's just a phase, and I need to just give myself a little time. But I've also never been known for my patience.

This reminds me of how when you get back from a vacation, say, in Europe... the familiarity of everything at home is nice, but you've also had your eyes opened to a different kind of life. And you feel sad about things just going back to the way they were. For me, I tapped into a caregiver part of myself that I never knew existed. While it's a relief to be out of that role (for now), I'm having a hard time remembering how I was before that midnight call. Meanwhile, my Grandpa isn't doing well, and I'm sorta steeling myself for another rollercoaster. But I think that will be a story for another day...

an update on dating

As I mentioned a few weeks ago... way back when my Dad had no pins in his hip... I was contacted by a former flame recently. Only problem is that he lives a billion miles away. Nowhere close to my current home on the Front Range, or the "real home" back in Austin. I've tried to not get too excited about emailing and talking to him, because seriously, we broke up TEN years ago. Holy freakin crap. That's a whole lifetime ago.

Anyway, although this guy contacted me completely out of the blue, I swear the universe had a part in it. I did this dorky thing in early February (after watching Oprah... god, I'm such a girl) where I wrote down a list of all the things I'd want in a guy. No holds barred. Then I stashed the list somewhere, and right now, I can't really picture where it's at. Shortly afterwards, there was the 8-minute date-a-palooza, where I scored the four followup dates. Then he emailed... it was definitely a case of when it rains, it pours.

Now, I'm superstitiously feeling like I need to keep the other guys "alive" so that things will truly develop again for me and Him. I'm scared because I'm already seeing scenarios where I would move wherever to be with this guy. I would totally have his babies. Is that a little too scary obsessive? Methinks so. Good thing he doesn't know about this site.

It's been over a week since I've been in touch with either of the Austin boys. But now, if a day has gone by where there hasn't been an email or phone call from Him, I'm a little like "hmmm, what's up? Did he change his mind?" Sigh. I am so hooked. And I haven't even seen him in person since, um, 1999?

So yeah, that's where all that's at. Things are totally topsy turvy, and it's like be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. Cool.